I'M NOT THINKING ANYMORE

It was nine in the evening. I was meditating on the couch, trying to improve my life. Half an hour later, I was in the emergency room.



Four words had moved through my mind: "I'm not thinking anymore."



They made no sense. If I could notice that I wasn't thinking, then I was thinking. I understood that perfectly. It didn't help.



That night I went to the hospital with my mother and father. The next day I tried to return to normal. Instead, I found myself trapped in a cycle of fear, checking, and doubt.



That was the beginning of a war nobody else could see.



This is not a self-help manual, and it offers no miracle cure. It is the true story of an electrician who stopped trusting his own mind and began monitoring every thought, sensation, and movement in an attempt to feel safe again.



Inside are the things men rarely talk about:

• intrusive thoughts, rituals, and the need to perform certain actions "correctly";


• appearing normal while fighting fear and depression in silence;


• feeling inferior, fearing rejection, and struggling with self-worth;


• the effects of antidepressants on desire, arousal, and sexuality;


• treatment, medication changes, setbacks, and the slow return to everyday life;


• the darkest thought I experienced-and what it actually meant.